Mary Beth
by Sylvia Louise
Summary: It's a parody people, so brace yourselves: If Beth hadn't gone to an academy for Mary Sues, she wouldn't have been stuck at Camp Green Lake.
1. The Arrival

A/N Ok, before you assume anything, I just want to tell you up front that I don't hate Mary Sues. I just like to poke fun at them. There are some pretty good ones out there, but every now and then I come across one that's just utterly horrid and is begging to be made fun of. This goes out to those fics for being my inspiration.

_This story is dedicated to The Ramin Ninja, because she is the queen of everything._

If girls knew that there was an academy for Mary-Sues, I bet you over half of them would be considering whether or not to go there. Most of the girls that came out of that place came out a changed girl, possessing all the skills necessary for a true Mary Sue. But there was one case where it was different. There was one girl that _did_ come out of there unchanged, yet expected to carry out her duties. Her name was Beth.

She hadn't chosen to go to Camp Green Lake. They had sent her there because she was the only one at the academy that was passing all her classes. She was the only that truly possessed a fully functioning brain. Yes, she had known what she was doing at the academy, but it hadn't really soaked into her. She hadn't actually become one of…them.

Now, she was on her way to Camp Green Lake on A YELLOW BUS!

She looked out the dirty, greasy, grimy, yucky, gooey, repulsive, vomitacious, and over-all disgusting window out at the landscape that surrounded her. By God, there were a lot of holes. Unfortunately, at that moment, the driver of the bus had fallen asleep at the wheel and drove into one of the holes she had been looking at. The bus exploded, and that's how Beth died.

Ok, that didn't really happen, but don't you wish it did sometimes?

ALRIGHT, back to the real story. Beth hadn't REALLY committed a crime, but the judge had sent her there anyway because she was (dun dun duhhhnn!) FRAMED! And because she smelled kind of funny.

Well, actually that was the story that she was supposed to tell all the other campers as well as the warden. The academy had given her that story (kind of like a witness protection program), as well as a supply of all the things needed to maintain her Mary Sue-dom. (for example: blonde dye, padding for her bra, breath mints, etc.)

Beth stared at the guard who was asleep. She rummaged through her bad and threw her pack of see-through thongs at him that the academy had provided, but he didn't wake up. She figured she could've escaped right then and there out the window, but her 5-inch pumps and too-short mini skirt kept her from doing that. _Cursed be these bloody high heels! _She thought to herself. But she would find that they would be of better use later in the story….

Slowly, the bus came to a stop. She had arrived at the camp, and boys could be seen everywhere.

"Fresh meat!" someone yelled from outside. Little did he know that too many people at the camp had gotten tired of him saying that over and over again and those few were going to attack at any moment.

That moment had arrived. "Get him!" Someone cried, and half of the guys started chasing him with their shovels and some duct tape.

Beth walked down the aisle of the bus, picking up the thongs she threw earlier and tripping in her heels the whole way. Unlike her peers at the academy, she hadn't gotten an A+ in _The Arts of Strutting Your Stuff 101_.

The guard followed her out with his shotgun. She stepped outside, and all jaws dropped. The academy had told her to expect this kind of behavior from all kind of menfolk throughout the story.

"Damn, she's fine!" all the boys said in unison. She looked at each of them. They were all wearing the same yucky orange jumpsuit.

"Hey chica," One kid said seductively, "what's your name?"

Beth wanted to impale him with the shovel he was holding, but she quickly remembered the routine the academy had made her memorize. She sighed deeply, and then went through with it. She put on a huge smile that took up her whole face, "I'm like, Beth. What's your name?" and she began giggling insanely.

He smiled at her and said, "They call me Magnet." He said as he ran his fingers over his almost bald head. "Maybe we should hang out some time."

Beth wanted to puke, but she kept going, "Wow, like, that would be SO awesome!"

The boys continued whistling at her and making rude comments(i.e. "Nice ass!"), but soon, they began to drool and stare at her chest lustfully. In a matter of time, they became zombie-like and started walking closer with their arms spread out in front of them, trying to touch her giant basoomas. Their eyes were blood red and they were absolutely hypnotized. If only they knew that she stuffed her bra.

Thinking quickly, Beth grabbed the guard's shotgun and began beating them down with it. They all began to scream wildly in pain. The guard, grabbing her ass and "trying to save her", pushed her into an old cabin. The boys scattered.

Catching her breath, Beth looked around the cabin. Just then, she realized she wasn't wearing a skirt anymore. The guard had "accidentally" ripped it off and ran off back to the bus, laughing manically. She was now wearing nothing but her thong and a t-shirt. (thank GOD it wasn't see-through like the others)

Then she looked at the desk which had a man sitting there and HOLY CRAP, was he ugly! Like I'm serious, he was UG-LY! Like, U-G-L-Y you ain't got no alibi, ugly! He just sat there staring at her half-naked body.

"Um," Beth started. "Hello?"

He continued staring at her ass. A little string of drool came out of his mouth.

A/N Yes, I've see this done.

"Yo." She said loudly.

Nothing.

"Hey ugly!" She yelled.

Nada.

She rolled her eyes. She knew who this was. Mr. Sir. She had been warned by the academy of him. Apparently he had a weird infatuation with any type of woman, as well as sunflower seeds and keeping his teeth yellow at all times.

She grabbed the shotgun off the wall. _Geez_ she thought, _the second time today._ "Give me some clothing!" she yelled, pointing the gun at his face.

Needless to say, he was startled. "Woah!" he said as he came out of his trance, "Now hold on missy, put the gun down."

She clicked the clicky thing on top.

"Nevermind." He said quietly. He went to the cabinet hastily and threw her a jumpsuit.

She put the gun down and put the suit on. It smelled pretty bad. "So," he said, sitting back down and looking at his clipboard, "you're Beth Miller."

"Yeah." She said while sitting down on the wooden chair.

"And uh, you're here for triple homicide." He said, still looking at his clipboard.

_Holy crap, is that really what they put on my record?_ She thought. Oh well, whatever. "Yeah." She said, nonchalantly. Then she quickly remembered her OTHER routine. "But I didn't do it!" she added quickly.

Mr. Sir looked at her oddly. "Okay…."

"I didn't do it!" she yelled as she stood up and banged her fist on the desk, trying to make a point. "I swear!"

Mr. Sir looked up alarmingly at her.

"I DIDN'T DO IT!" she screamed again, choking him and then running wildly around the cabin, kicking things and knocking things off shelves. "I DIDN'T DO IT! FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, I DIDN'T DO IT!" She continued on that way for half a minute, until she got tired. She then went into the "crazy" pose the academy had taught and started rocking back and forth in the corner, while softly saying, "The happy panda bears will save me from this place… I know they will…."

Mr. Sir still looked alarmingly at her. He got up and picked up a packet that was sitting on his desk. "In this packet is all the stuff you need to know. Frankly, I'm tired of telling it to everybody, and I know the author of this story doesn't want to type it, so here you go." He threw it at her and walked quickly out of the cabin.

Beth stopped her act and smiled to herself. That had scared him off. She looked through the packet. _I'm assigned to D-tent blah blah blah…five foot hole…call him Mr. Sir at all times yada yada yada…_, she read to herself. _Yeah, _she thought, _nothing I didn't know about. _She got up and picked up her bags. Beth sighed as she looked out the door. This was going to be interesting.

A/N So, how was it? Was it good, offensive, lame, or just plain weird? I need to know so write me a review!


	2. Meeting Those Pesky Boys

A/N Thank you guys so much for the wonderful reviews! I loved them. All right, since I am now NOT on hiatus and school is OFFICIALLY OVER, here we go.

Ok, let's boogie.

Chapter 2

Beth stood outside of the green tent, wondering what the hell she had gotten herself into. She knew that only morons were in that tent, and that nothing good was going to come out of this experience. But she went in anyway, because it was her duty after all.

Of course, all jaws dropped because she was HOTT!

She looked around the cabin at all the boys. She already knew their names because the academy had told her who they were and what to expect from them. "Hey chica…" she heard one boy say.

_That's definitely Magnet_, she thought to herself. He always greeted the Mary Sue of his choice that way. She turned around to look at him and smiled in a fake way. "Hi." She said bluntly. She noticed how he hadn't remembered her, although they had already met. This was a sheer sign of his intelligence.

Quickly, the smile from his face faded. He looked taken a-back. Slowly, he asked, "W-what did you say to me?" (in a very SEXXY Mexican way)

"Oh!" She said. She had momentarily forgotten her identity. "I mean, like, HI!" She tried to sound as bubbly as possible.

The smile that had disappeared a minute before came back. "Hey, you wanna come share a cot with me?" He asked, patting the side of his cot seductively. She giggled insanely, smiling to suppress the gag reflex and looking innocent at the same time.

She suddenly felt somebody pinch her butt. _Squid_, she thought, knowing she was right. He was the guy that every girl ended up with because he was so sweet and sentimental and all that crap.

_Right._

Secretly, he was the perv that looked at Armpit lustfully.

"Hey." He said smoothly. She looked at him and smiled. Ok, he was hot, but definitely NOT smooth.

"So, what's your name?" he asked her, curiously, yet in a seductive style. She bit her lips and said, "Beth." Yes, while giggling insanely. "I'm in here for THREE murders." She said, still smiling, as if the figure was impressive.

"Whoa," said some red-head kid in the corner. Zigzag. "How'd you do it?"

"Oh you know," she said, plopping down on the cot, "the normal way."

Zigzag nodded slowly, acting like he knew what she was talking about. There was kind of an awkward silence as they both sat there, nodding. A cricket chirped.

"Well," she said, trying to start conversation again, "like, anybody want to help me with my bags? They're right outside the do—"

They were already outside, participating in an intense battle over her many suitcases. The only boy that stayed behind was Zigzag, who was still staring at her, nodding. She looked at him uncomfortably and smiled. "You're really cool." He said as his eyes got wider.

She nodded with him. "I know." She said coolly.

"DUDE, HAND OVER THE SUITCASE." They heard from outside, and soon a fat kid ran in, dripping with sweat. He breathed heavily as he set it in front of her. "Here," he said in between breaths, "you…go."

Beth knew who this was. And good Lord, they called him Armpit for a reason. To be polite, she smiled at him, but the academy had taught her to run away in situations like this, so she tried to compromise, but it wasn't working.

A little later, Squid dragged her lightest case in, acting as if he was manly or something. "There you go, baby."

"Like, thanks." She said, pulling her jumpsuit down a little lower to reveal her cleavage. The boys leaned in a little.

"Hey, I brought in the first case, you know." Armpit said, looking for approval.

Beth smiled. "Yeah, I saw."

Squid just shook his head and said, "Dude, don't you get it by now? Nobody likes you."

Armpit became infuriated. "THAT'S NOT TRUE."

"Excuse me, but do you ever end up with the girl at the end of these stories?"

Armpit's chin started to quiver. "No, but that doesn't mean anything…."

"JUST GO AWAY ALREADY."

Armpit stood there for a minute, trying to fight the tears, but failed, and started sobbing. He ran to corner of the tent, sat down, and cried for the rest of the night.

Beth stared at him for a while, not believing that she just saw Camp Green Lake boy cry. "Uh, is he going to be okay?" Beth asked, concerned.

"Yeah, he'll be fine." Zigzag said, reassuringly. "This happens like, every day."

"Oh."

* * *

Four hours and twenty two tequilas later, Beth was telling her life story. "And _that's_ why I decided to dip him in kerosene and light him on fire." She said, concluding her tale. 

"Ohhh." They all said collectively.

"But I don't understand." Twitch said, scratching his head. "Why didn't you cut his testicles off with garden sheers and let him suffer like you had done to the guy before that?"

"Well…" she said, trying to make them understand, "when you're a woman, you want different men to suffer different ways, depending on what they did to you."

"I see." Twitch said, nodding. "That poor bastard." Luckily, they had all been pretty accepting of her past escapades, despite the fact that they were guys and she was the resident man-killer.

Beth smiled contently. She was beginning to find that playing the part of this murderous teenage girl had been way more fun than she thought. Guys were paying attention to her now, and they were even scared of her. Hopefully, they would never discover her true identity.

She sighed and looked at her watch. "Well guys, I'm going to hit the hay. Um, I need a cot…."

"Taken care of." X-Ray assured her. He walked over to the large lump laying in a cot in the back of the tent. "GET UP ARMPIT. GIVE BETHYOUR COT."

"Butidonwanto!" He screamed.

X-Ray flipped the cot over, disposing of Armpit. Armpit lay whimpering on the floor.

"Thank you X-Ray." Beth said sweetly.

Everybody started getting up, mumbling good night and going to their cot. Beth collapsed on her bed, exhausted from the night of story telling, and the lights went off. She began to doze into a dream word when she suddenly felt someone crawl in beside her. Started, she yelled, "What the hell!"

"Shh…" a voice said, "It's just me."

"Who?" She asked.

"Squid."

This kid was beginning to get annoying. "Squid, get out." She commanded.

"But I have to tell you something!"

"Okay, what?"

He hesitated, and then said, "You make me want to lala."

There was complete silence.

"Squid, get out."

"Are you serious!"

"Well…yeah."

"Oh c'mon! I usually get laid by the first night. I need to keep up my perfect record!"

"Just go."

"Was it something I said?"

"Leave me alone."

"But aren't I hot?"

"No."

"Well can you at least rub your fingers through my hair?"

Beth pushed him off of the cot.

He stood up, furious. "Fine!" he said, and stomped off.

Beth turned back over and stared into the darkness. This was going to be a long eighteen months.

A/N I LIVE FOR REVIEWS


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